Notes to Vienna:

1. Just because 500,000 tourists will be attending your European championship soccer matches and shopping in your stores, does not mean you need to throw out all the “old” products in the stores and replace them with brand new ones. I’m not complaining that I bought most of my groceries for 50 percent off today, but it would be much more reasonable to keep the perfectly good products on your shelves and lower your prices year round.

2. Could you please explain to me why you have reinstated your national border controls, complete with armed guards and detention facilities, when all of your neighboring countries are already EU member states? You say you are looking for violent fans and illegal immigrants. What ever happened to free transit within the EU?

3. Why did you take over my favorite park with your jumbo spectator tents? It was one of the few green spots in the city center.

4. Now you’ve not only claimed the park, but the center of the city itself. Even cyclists are forbidden to bike through the new “fan zone”.

5. What’s this? All the shops in town are going to be open on Sunday afternoon?! For the fans?! Blasphemy. The Pope must be having a heart attack.

6. I saw you last night installing fluorescent lights at all of the trolley stops. Did you really need to wait for the championship games to take this safety precaution?

7. Newsflash: Your sexist propaganda is in poor taste, to say the least. Women can play soccer, too, even if you did ignore their championship last year.

8. Team flags look really silly hanging from car windows, but the trend is quickly catching on. Several of your native residents are considering switching everyone’s flags at night. An Austrian fan could suddenly become a Turkish fan. Just to keep things interesting.

9. By the way, bread should not be shaped like soccer balls. Nor should it be imprinted with the soccer ball pattern. I don’t care whether fans buy it or not; it still tastes the same.

10. In the US,—(Remember America? They’re not playing in the European Championships)—Clinton ended her campaign and gave Obama the Democratic nomination. Yes, I realize you already knew he would get the nomination, but the US might be confused as to how your soccer mania has overshadowed its primaries. Time for another game? Oh, okay. Ole, Ole, Ole!

11. One last note: I really do like soccer. It’s a fun game to play and it’s much easier to understand than football. However, my dear Vienna, you’ve taken your soccer mania a bit too far. Please let me know when you’ve come to your senses again. Until then, I’ll be listening to your radio reports and staying far away from your zone of championship fanatics.